Shit Lawyers Never Say

"Let's all find our center and breathe." More shit that lawyers never say.

Time for a break from all the finding your joy stuff I usually blather on about. Let’s have some fun! What would you add to the list?

  1. I’m so glad we spent a month studying Marbury v. Madison in law school. I use that case every day in my practice.
  2. We do really crap work when we’re sleep deprived. Everyone on this project has to go home by 9pm, and no working at home after that!
  3. My admin has really been busting her hump lately. I need to get her a spa package to let her know how much I appreciate her work and dedication.
  4. Billable hours are stupid and dysfunctional, and our clients hate them. By the end of this year we are going to come up with a compensation structure that rewards efficiency, creative problem-solving, and taking the time to train and mentor. No matter what.
  5. It really doesn’t matter if I make $850K or $1 million. I’d rather we partners not take more profits so we can keep associate and paralegal jobs.
  6. I don’t need explanations of edits and face time to learn how to practice law. That’s what monthly emails forwarded from the senior associate are for.
  7. I tell every college student I run into that they should consider law school. It’s an underrated bargain.
  8. You know, opposing counsel is totally in the right here. We’ve got to tell our client to stop acting like a prick.
  9. I’m going to donate my $50K bonus to the homeless.
  10. Understanding the ownership rules of the feudal land system has improved my life immeasurably.
  11. The important thing here is that we all did our best.
  12. You’ve had this 10-year anniversary vacation booked with your wife for 6 months? I had no idea. I’ll find someone else to take on this emergency project.
  13. I love my job so much I’d do it for free.

Jennifer Alvey is a recovering BigLaw lawyer who, when she’s not being a wiseass, coaches clients on finding jobs that they actually would want to do whether or not they got paid–and then figuring out how to make it pay. Find out what that’s like with a discounted sample coaching session. Email Jennifer at to schedule yours today.


  1. How about: “That’s a very intelligent, astute observation. I’ve never thought of it that way.” For a lawyer, that would be admitting weakness, no?

  2. These were all great but, for some reason, I laughed the most with this one:

    “11.The important thing here is that we all did our best.”

    LOL indeed!

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